Do you know how it feels like to be dead inside? Your system works well. You are not even sick. You can feel happiness but you feel a certain kind of sadness at your core that you can’t deny. It could last for a day, a week, a month, or even a year.
Unfortunately, in my case, I had it for a long time. I thought it was just normal as part of growing up. Thinking it was the feeling of what being matured was. A feeling of being lonely in all aspects. A feeling of being horrible despite the happy things going around me. But I was longing for something I couldn’t even describe back then – a feeling of breaking free and letting everything go on its way. I became unhappy, especially with the way I lived my life. I started hating my job, the people around me, and myself. It led me to fake my own emotions. It lasted for a while, but I tried to keep up though it was hard to cope with. I would still go to work like normal days but started questioning my life. I have been curious yet slowly fading as I lost my spark knowing that my own fire is not burning anymore.
Are you happy? Are you proud of yourself? Is this the life you want to live? Will your dreams come true? Will you ever see the other side of the world?
Almost every day I kept asking myself those questions, but I’m sure why my answer was – a concrete big NO. Everything was blurry. It’s even harder to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. It was simple, but I couldn’t. I was completely ashamed.
All those troubles didn’t stop me from moving, I began planning trips. Traveling became my outlet to make my soul alive once in a while. The nostalgia I felt upon reaching my destination doesn’t match the sentiments I felt upon leaving. I wished to stay longer as I fear to feel empty once again. No one knew about it. I chose not to tell anyone.
Getting home was uninspiring and getting paid was nothing even though I needed money. Sometimes, I asked myself why no one has ever noticed or was brave enough to tell me how I was turning into a completely different person. I ran out of focus and unnoticeably lost myself to pursue greater things.
No quotes online inspired me. No books reminded me how to be happy and yes, I didn’t read a blog talking about how to conquer depression. It sucked, but I had to be still and keep myself strong. I tried to compose myself, but it did not work.
The only thing that made me excited about my life a year ago was traveling and I craved for more realizing how my adventures helped me. From that point on, I knew what I wanted and without any single doubts, I resigned from my hotel job before the year 2016.
I already considered myself rich, not with money, but with freedom. It’s great to feel what rich is with no materials involved, but only real feelings. I just trusted that I can do it! I decided to forget the old, dragging, and sad me. The old me was scared to take the risks and worries too much about the future. I lacked the qualities of being genuinely happy and cared too much what others would say about me. I broke up with my emotionally unhealthy old self and retained some good qualities I know I can keep for good. It made me a better person in the sense that I became open enough to change and of course, letting go. Thanks to the good people who were patient enough and stayed with me while waiting for me to finally break out from my shell.
For those people who are going through what I had, my greatest advice is for you to choose the right people as it matters. Keep your circle small yet true. You don’t need friends who don’t know what real friendship is. If you are not happy with something, quit. If you feel like you are not at home, leave. Follow your soul, please don’t let it die. As you see, there are just no rules in life. That is a great gift to know that we can all appreciate. You can always buy a book about life, but never a guide on how to live it. It’s your journey, your own story, and you are the only one that holds the pen to decide on what to write down. If your decisions don’t end on how you thought it will don’t get scared to start over. There will be no time limits, no game overs, or dead ends. You will only die when you give up.
Long story short, twenty-one days before my last day of my previous job, I wrote the first letter I have ever made for myself and it has been a good reminder in times of uncertainties.
January 1, 2016
I hope the decisions that you made will work out fine. If they don’t work, you have no choice but to make them work.
I know you are happy and feeling free and better now. You are almost there but not really close. So you have to work harder. Please never compete with other people just to make your dreams come true. Competing against someone is such a bad move to do but instead, be brave enough to be just your authentic self.
People might be scared of the decisions that you made and have doubts on the steps that you will be taking in the future. They may see you weak. They may even see you fail. Just be ready. They might laugh at how you look probably by now and then see you unsuccessful.
If those things happen, always remind yourself that you can always be good to those people who can’t accept you no matter what you do. You can still listen to them, but do not let them eat your whole being.
You have a bigger world to see!
Now, I am living the life that I want to live. A life of happiness though financially challenged. A life full of dreams. A life fulfilled with freedom. A life of finally owning my time. A life of appreciating what it’s like to be just at home. Yes, I partially made it to my greater ambitions. The dream is still alive. They are closer now and I am chasing them no matter what happens.
And by the time that I am getting there may be unsure and confused.
I will read this another quick reminder:
Michael, one day you know you will move. Don’t worry it will be a beautiful journey. You will create your own story and history. They may like it or not, you have to go. Remember, nobody will create the life you want to live except you. Keep that wanderlust in you. So just go!
P.S.Thanks to my travel half for helping me out. Stay awesome.