I Broke Up with Him

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Do you know how it feels like to be dead inside? Your system works well. You are not even sick. You can feel happiness but you feel a certain kind of sadness at your core that you can’t deny. It could last for a day, a week, a month, or even a year.

Unfortunately, in my case, I had it for a long time. I thought it was just normal as part of growing up. Thinking it was the feeling of what being matured was. A feeling of being lonely in all aspects. A feeling of being horrible despite the happy things going around me. But I was longing for something I couldn’t even describe back then – a feeling of breaking free and letting everything go on its way. I became unhappy, especially with the way I lived my life. I started hating my job, the people around me, and myself. It led me to fake my own emotions. It lasted for a while, but I tried to keep up though it was hard to cope with. I would still go to work like normal days but started questioning my life. I have been curious yet slowly fading as I lost my spark knowing that my own fire is not burning anymore.

Are you happy? Are you proud of yourself? Is this the life you want to live? Will your dreams come true? Will you ever see the other side of the world? 

Almost every day I kept asking myself those questions, but I’m sure why my answer was – a concrete big NO. Everything was blurry. It’s even harder to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. It was simple, but I couldn’t. I was completely ashamed.

All those troubles didn’t stop me from moving, I began planning trips. Traveling became my outlet to make my soul alive once in a while. The nostalgia I felt upon reaching my destination doesn’t match the sentiments I felt upon leaving. I wished to stay longer as I fear to feel empty once again. No one knew about it. I chose not to tell anyone.

Getting home was uninspiring and getting paid was nothing even though I needed money. Sometimes, I asked myself why no one has ever noticed or was brave enough to tell me how I was turning into a completely different person. I ran out of focus and unnoticeably lost myself to pursue greater things.

No quotes online inspired me. No books reminded me how to be happy and yes, I didn’t read a blog talking about how to conquer depression. It sucked, but I had to be still and keep myself strong. I tried to compose myself, but it did not work.

The only thing that made me excited about my life a year ago was traveling and I craved for more realizing how my adventures helped me. From that point on, I knew what I wanted and without any single doubts, I resigned from my hotel job before the year 2016.

I already considered myself rich, not with money, but with freedom. It’s great to feel what rich is with no materials involved, but only real feelings. I just trusted that I can do it! I decided to forget the old, dragging, and sad me. The old me was scared to take the risks and worries too much about the future. I lacked the qualities of being genuinely happy and cared too much what others would say about me. I broke up with my emotionally unhealthy old self and retained some good qualities I know I can keep for good. It made me a better person in the sense that I became open enough to change and of course, letting go. Thanks to the good people who were patient enough and stayed with me while waiting for me to finally break out from my shell.

For those people who are going through what I had, my greatest advice is for you to choose the right people as it matters. Keep your circle small yet true. You don’t need friends who don’t know what real friendship is. If you are not happy with something, quit. If you feel like you are not at home, leave. Follow your soul, please don’t let it die. As you see, there are just no rules in life. That is a great gift to know that we can all appreciate. You can always buy a book about life, but never a guide on how to live it. It’s your journey, your own story, and you are the only one that holds the pen to decide on what to write down. If your decisions don’t end on how you thought it will don’t get scared to start over. There will be no time limits, no game overs, or dead ends. You will only die when you give up.

Long story short, twenty-one days before my last day of my previous job, I wrote the first letter I have ever made for myself and it has been a good reminder in times of uncertainties.

January 1, 2016

Dear Michael,

I hope the decisions that you made will work out fine. If they don’t work, you have no choice but to make them work.

I know you are happy and feeling free and better now. You are almost there but not really close. So you have to work harder. Please never compete with other people just to make your dreams come true. Competing against someone is such a bad move to do but instead, be brave enough to be just your authentic self.

People might be scared of the decisions that you made and have doubts on the steps that you will be taking in the future. They may see you weak. They may even see you fail.  Just be ready. They might laugh at how you look probably by now and then see you unsuccessful.

If those things happen, always remind yourself that you can always be good to those people who can’t accept you no matter what you do. You can still listen to them, but do not let them eat your whole being.

You have a bigger world to see!

Love,

Yourself

Now, I am living the life that I want to live. A life of happiness though financially challenged. A life full of dreams. A life fulfilled with freedom. A life of finally owning my time. A life of appreciating what it’s like to be just at home. Yes, I partially made it to my greater ambitions. The dream is still alive. They are closer now and I am chasing them no matter what happens.

And by the time that I am getting there may be unsure and confused.

I will read this another quick reminder:

Michael, one day you know you will move. Don’t worry it will be a beautiful journey. You will create your own story and history. They may like it or not, you have to go. Remember, nobody will create the life you want to live except you. Keep that wanderlust in you. So just go!

P.S.Thanks to my travel half for helping me out. Stay awesome.

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30 thoughts on “I Broke Up with Him”

  1. Your story is amazing Michael. I am inspired to go out and live my dreams and do what I have always wanted to do. I started my blog today and it is about going after what we are called to in life. I have a hard time leaving what is comfortable, but I know I need to. I need to step out and just go for it. My heart longs for that. Thank you for your inspiration in this post!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Allyssalyn, oh thank you! Don’t worry happiness is just out there. Can’t wait to see your posts. I am sure they will be amazing.

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  2. I guess everyone of us has barely come to a stage of questioning ourselves. Questions after questions that we even doubt our strength if it’s really our military posture. I enjoy reading your whole article, I can deeply assimilate the feelings that you’re straining to convey with your words. Merely what I love the most was the courage to see life in positive perspective. On the last portion of your blog was full of hope, inspiration and courage to pick the broken pieces and start rebuilding. Keep the good writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wanted to give you a hug badly but considering the distance we have well virtual hugs for now. 😞 upon reading i was sad, but later on i was happy that you’re fighting the demon (depression) that’s inside you. Such a brave soul. I applaud you for that. Keep on going as what I said to you. Reach whatever that you want to reach know that in this crazy world you have a friend in me. ❤

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  4. I really wish you all the best. Good things are coming. I hope for you to see more places so you can share them with us!Haha but most of all, I wish your heart happiness. Loved this post. So raw and heartfelt. ❤

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  5. This gave me a bit of goosebumps, especially the 2nd paragraph up from the personal letter. Great words you have there! Now is the perfect time to heal through travel! I hope you’re doing better.

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  6. Michael, you have such moving blogs that I can’t even explain, it relates to me in many ways. I’m currently in the same situation at the moment. Everyday I have to ask myself “Are you happy?” and “How can I change this unhappiness?”. Lately, I’ve just been keeping myself occupied by going on road trips every weekend to fill gaps between my monotonous life. Most of the time I feel like a robot…pretending to feel alive but not really.

    From the bottom of my heart thank you for this blog.

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  7. What an inspiring story! I personally have felt so worthless and useless at times, even heart broken! But I am glad that you are slowing getting back up and enjoying your freedom! I, too have been enjoying my freedom, and have realized that traveling has been able to help me grow and develop and feed my soul! I can relate to you so much and I hope one day we can meet because I feel like we could get a long so well! =)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for sharing this story. It reminds us not to tie our happiness or freedom to something or someone. Let us decide our own happiness. Cheers to more inspirational blogs! 🙂

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  9. It was nice reading about your story. It was inspiring, life surely have its bumps and you have conquered one of them, the best part is you were strong enough to learn from it and move on. Hope to read another post of yours. Everything will turn out fine, and if it does not. It still does. Thanks for this blog post

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  10. I know exactly how you feel because I did the exact same thing. I broke up with myself several years ago. The old me was always worried, always questioning myself, always angry, and always sad. I was horrible not only with myself but also with other people. It took a long time (and a painful one at that) to finally break out from the old me.

    I am happy that you have started the transition and you seem happy, I hope it continues.

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  11. I guess most of the people even before have experienced this kind of thing. It’s just that a matter of how they deal with it. I certainly agree with you on the idea of breaking up with yourself. I have done that before and I can say, I am more than comfortable with who I am now. This post of yours really helps a lot most especially for struggling individuals. 🙂

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  12. I did a post way back on why it’s okay to be a lost 20-something during the time I was questioning my decisions a lot. I feel you, Michael! I still am questioning myself, but I got more accepting of what was in store for me. I really do hope we find our way, but I also believe that it is in being lost that we find our true selves. Keep inspiring, Michael!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Don’t you worry, Michael! Going through these tough times will definitely make you stronger in the future. You just have to believe! It’s also good to question yourself because at least you know that you are going somewhere better than now. Stay happy and thank you for this inspiring post! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. So much love, passion and positivity in your writing. I am loving how your writing is building up! People who experience deep emotions are actually the ones who are living the best life. Congratulations for taking this positively. The force is always with you. Xx

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  15. I almost thought that this is an article about relationship, I was surprised that you were talking about work. Actually, a lot of millenials are doing what you did, leaving their jobs in exchange of freedom. I also did it and I can say that I am happier. Let’s continue to find what makes us truly happy! If you ever need someone who will listen or a travel buddy perhaps, you can contact me 🙂

    airinaapril.blogspot.com

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  16. Congrats for breaking up with your old self Michael! And yes, I say that traveling really does work wonders in finding and knowing about our real self. The people we meet, the experiences, the places we see. It all becomes a part of a new us, shaping us to become better people. Cheers to new beginnings! And happy travels !

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